yet to come
I used to always think that the world wouldn’t wait for me to get better to continue it’s rotation. Perhaps I was right to think that way, or possibly just incredibly reductive.
In the last two months, I feel as though I have become an unrecognisable shell of myself. I can’t remember if there’s ever been a time where my body and brain have felt so entirely disconnected. I am having such a difficult time processing my emotions around my illness. I worry that it is consuming me.
I’ve begun replying to all messages with an “I’m okay though :)” at the end of it because I don’t even know where to begin. What’s a watered down way to say this is likely the beginning of a life-long condition? How do I explain the weight of that to someone without having to bare my soul to them? Will they love me less if they know the truth?
I feel angry when I think I’ve divulged too much information and desperately sad when no one can connect to me because I flippantly explain how I feel. I live in this constant state of fear that people are disinterested in me and only see me as the sick girl and also wanting to give my health the respect it deserves and not completely shy away from it. I’m scared that I am no fun to be around. I know that I am so much more than my poor genetic make-up.
The last couple of months have been the hardest time of my life, and I’m no where near the resolution of this chapter. I feel like my hope has been shattered and I’m scrambling trying to pick up the pieces. I’m terrified at the prospect of losing my identity in the midst of it all. I’m also really afraid to ask for help. I’m no good at being vulnerable and this is the first time I’ve ever really been helpless in a lot of ways. I have a lot to learn.
There are so many things in this life that I want to do. There are so many people who I am yet to meet, and who are yet to be loved by me. There are so many calm, rainy mornings that I have yet to see. There are more times where I feel physically better, and the only pain I’m in is from laughing, to come. I have so much to bake. I have so much to feel. Life isn’t all medicine and livers. There are days to come when I feel less alone.
Until then, the world keeps spinning and I’ll try to keep my balance…
