yellow is the colour of her eyes

“what colour neutralises yellow?”

I spent most of last week admitted into hospital with what I thought was just a normal, annoying flare up for my auto-immune conditions. Cut to — I have jaundice, which doctors are attributing to suspected acute hepatitis. In all my life, I would never thought I’d have liver issues.

Since getting discharged, I find myself constantly making jokes about how bizarre it is. I barely drink, I’ve never done drugs, I am so careful and yet, I continue to get this unwell. “How unlucky am I!”, And every time I joke, I just feel worse for having done so.

Truthfully, I’m frustrated. And exhausted. People tell me to remain positive and to look on the bright side, but I can’t. I can channel my outlook into something more digestible, but ultimately, medicine is my remedy. That’s all I will ever actually have. I feel a persistent pressure to show people how strong I can be despite it all, and to keep a smile on my face, but right now it’s terrible and it’s important to allow myself to feel the sadness too.

The jokes people make are almost never funny, and I’ve heard them all a million times before. It creates a narrative where I am unable to be vulnerable because of the fear of making other’s uncomfortable — but my pain matters more than their discomfort.

I’m not really sure when I’ll feel better, and I am scared of what else my body could be capable of. I hope to recognise myself in the mirror again soon, and until then, I’ll just exist. And that’s okay too.

(It’s purple, by the way.

Purple neutralises yellow.)