too much

love and loss is a fickle game.

I am so lonely and yet, I can never seem to allow anyone to get close. Every time, I seem to be proven right.

What does too much mean? It’s a metric I’ve heard my entire life in relation to myself, and yet when I’ve asked — begged- for someone to tell me what they mean, they’ve never been able to give me a sure answer.

I so desperately want to be longed for. I want someone to care for me, but what if I suddenly am too much to hold? What happens when I can’t keep the lid on my feelings?

Will someone ever relish in how many emotions another person is capable of having with me? Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I’m starving and my fishing rod is finicky.

I wish I could stop myself from looking for past versions of people I’ve known in those I’ve yet to meet. I’m constantly bumping into memories. Sometimes I feel like I get lost in trying to be this certain person that people will deem desirable, that is never attainable.

I’m fantastic, until I’m too much.

Isn’t that what they always say?