to feel

I was an incredibly emotional child. I would cry at the slightest unnerving thing in a movie, cry when my parents went to the shop without me, bite down on my bed sheets if I got frustrated, get really excited at the slightest amount of attention — the list goes on.

And then one day, I was too much for other people and I just turned that all off. I wouldn’t get happy, sad, frustrated. I went numb.

Vulnerability and feeling emotions became weaponised to me. I safe guarded them for only a small select group of people. My feelings felt like the only thing that were still entirely mine, and to let someone have a piece of that meant it would hurt more if they betrayed my trust. I became so cold to others.

I wouldn’t compliment people, would sneer at friends complimenting me. I was so lonely and so scared to feel love from another person. It turned into deep hatred for myself and what I had become. It makes me so upset that I let other people affect me in that way, but what else did I know?

It’s taken many, many years but I feel like I am finally starting to get the vulnerability back a little bit. I am starting to see how much there is to love in life, and how incredible it is to feel everything.

A few years ago, my therapist told me that I had a highly-sensitive personality. It took me a while to agree with that, but once I did, I found great comfort in it. Though it comes with its downfalls, being sensitive is such a gift. It has allowed me to connect with some of the most wonderful people, and it’s shown me what I really value in life. Letting others in is so scary. It’s giving someone your heart and asking them to mind it. What a relief when they do.

I wish more people embraced being sensitive, and I hope that they can learn to if they are afraid. What a joy it is to feel. I would not have it any other way anymore.

Some moments that have overwhelmed me with emotions lately:

• Driving under the evening summer sky.
• Looking out on the Dublin skyline at late at night.
• Seeing ‘Two Slow Dancers’ by Mitski performed live.
• Wearing a very comfortable outfit.
• Laughing with Annie in her living room.

I am so grateful for my emotions and I am so glad to have gotten them back. I wish I could tell my younger self that everything she was doing and feeling was okay. She is allowed to take up space.

To feel is the greatest thing in the world. I like myself most that way.